Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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