Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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