oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
