I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
