whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
