you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
