how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
