I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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