The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
i now understand why vodka
why is half of my head shaved?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
