If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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