He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
