At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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