It's like a parade of train wrecks.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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