The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
