I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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