the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
