My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
