the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
