remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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