just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
