Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
