I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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