i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
