Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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