You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
