threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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