Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
