Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
