Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
