theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
