I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
