I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
