The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
