What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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