wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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