Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
