I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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