ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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