when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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