Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
third nipple confirmed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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