Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
