somebody snuck up and got me drunk
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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