why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
