I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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