I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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