I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Randomize
