there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
