first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
