The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't trust your balls anymore.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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