Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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